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It’s been awhile

So, life took over. Can I get an Amen?

Since I last wrote a TON has happened in my life. The two main things going on at the moment are:

1. I’ve lost 66 pounds. WOAH! I still have more to lose, but it’s a VERY good start.

2. I’m planning on starting my Master’s in Counseling degree this coming March, 2011.

I’ll try and update the rest of my life on to this thing in a bit…but that’s what’s going on right now!

Changes inside and out

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So, it’s been awhile since I’ve updated my site here, and there are a TON of reasons why. Allow me to explain:

Outside

1. Graduation: Multnomah’s Graduation was on May 15th and I watched over a dozen good friends walk across that stage and into their future. Two of them, Kevin and Eric, are very good friends who will be moving halfway across the country at the end of July. I’m pretty much spending as much time with them as I can until that fateful day.

2. Work: This is the time of year when people are turning in their applications in droves…and that’s what my job is mostly about – applicants. So I’m busy, busy, busy. Not to mention my job took me to Ohio for a week of training at the beginning of June.

3. Weddings: I’ve been to two already and there are still more to come. One of them, I was actually a bridesmaid. That makes 10! It was for my BFF Toni who had also been my roommate for the past year.

4. Roommates: For the past year it’s been Toni, Amanda Bunn and I. I lost Toni to marriage recently and gained two more roommates: Dania and Amanda Smith. So now our house is a Lisa, Dania, Amanda Bunn and Amanda Smith.

5. Car: First, my car got it’s driver side mirror ripped off during the Thanksgiving weekend. Second, my driver side rear window got smashed in. Third, my car died cause I wasn’t driving it for a week. Thus, it sits looking very ghettofied in front of my house.

Inside

In the midst of all these changes the Lord has continued to impress on my heart a need to let go of the things that I hold higher in my heart than Him, and to get more involved in church. Done. I stopped floundering in my church attendance and am consistently going to Coram Deo now, though that’s been harder than I thought because I had really taken a liking to two other churches in the area.

At the same time, I feel like the Holy Spirit has been asking me to get to know Him better and learn to trust Him. As someone who grew up practically Baptist in regards to her view of the Holy Spirit, this has been slightly exciting and but more terrifying at times. What I’ve learned thus far is that I was given the Holy Spirit when I asked the Lord into my heart. No doubt at all about that. However, it’s the Lord’s desire to, when we are ready, give us more of Himself. I’ve found myself asking what that even means or looks like. All the while, I feel that the Lord is just telling me to trust Him and He’ll show me in His time. He knows me so well. I have to be eased into things. I freak out easily. Praise the Lord for His patience with us!

Sanctification…

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I feel like it’s a momentary experience, and it’s a process. I think it’s whatever the Lord needs it to be. More than anything, it’s necessary and it’s something He’s doing in me right now. Sometimes we need to be sanctified from sin, and then sometimes we need to be sanctified from the things we treasure most. I feel like the second one is harder, but almost more important. My prayer is that the Lord would replace those things in my life that I treasure more than Him, with a love and desire for Him. And then I’m surprised when He does just that.

This video sort of hits me where I’m at right now. More of Him, less of me…

The Closer I Walk

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My friend Eric sang this hymn in Chapel a few weeks ago. I had never heard it before and fell in love with it! I’ve decided that it should be my life hymn. Therefore, I’m posting it on here. My it always be true…

THE CLOSER I WALK

A Savior have I more precious to me
Than all of earth’s friendships ever could be.
His riches of grace more clearly I see,
The closer I walk to Him.

The closer I walk, the sweeter He seems.
Much fairer is He than all of my dreams.
His love lights my way when pathways are dim,
The closer I walk to Him.

If rugged the way that I must pursue,
If dark be the night that I journey through,
My fears all depart, my tears are but few,
The closer I walk to Him.

The closer I walk, the sweeter He seems.
Much fairer is He than all of my dreams.
His love lights my way when pathways are dim,
The closer I walk to Him.

My heart sings a glad and jubilant song,
As onward we go, life’s pathway along.
My hope is renewed, my faith becomes strong,
The closer I walk to Him.

The closer I walk, the sweeter He seems.
Much fairer is He than all of my dreams.
His love lights my way when pathways are dim,
The closer I walk to Him.

I feast on His truth, His riches of grace;
And daily His countless mercies I trace,
Beholding the glory-light of His face,
The closer I walk to Him.

The closer I walk, the sweeter He seems.
Much fairer is He than all of my dreams.
His love lights my way when pathways are dim,
The closer I walk to Him.

Song by Dorothea A. Maxey

Purging the Past

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Today I woke up with a mission. Clean the garage. I had attemted that mission over the summer and got far enough to ad a ton of stuff to a garage sale we had that I think I made a total of $20 on. Blah. However, after that I felt that I had exerted too much emotion towards the project and it was time to be done for awhile. You see, everytime I opened a box it was a fresh reminder of painful memories and a whole lot of fear.

However, after a really amazing week full of encouragement I decided that I was strong enough to venture into the past and see what I could do about cleaning it out. For the most part I spent a lot of time boxing up everything that didn’t sell at the garage sale so that we could take it all to goodwill. After that was done I wound up with 4 shoe boxes of notes, cards, invitations, programs and scraps of paper that I had to go through. I brought them into the house and one by one reduced them to nothing. High school graduation cards, a Northern Irish Newspaper, wedding invitations, programs and random toys were all relocated into a garbage bag.

When I began going through the biggest of the shoe boxes I discovered a me that I had forgotten about. Birthday cards, at least 5 programs from plays that I was either in or worked backstage for, notes thanking me for being a part of ministries that I had forgotten about, a detailed list of how many Bathrooms I cleaned at the church (25 bathrooms: 60 toilets, 16 urinals and 55 sinks), and a Butcher Paper “Wall of Love” that I had encouraged one of my favorite cabins to write encouraging notes to each other on. I found Backstage passes and Event staff lanyards from working Supertones, FIF, Avalon and Zoe girl concerts and even a set list from a Spider Boy/Agent Arachnid concert. I found a girl who was very active in her church, so much so, that it’s still amazing to me that she ever left.

Are you wondering what I did with all that stuff? Well, after looking everything over, laughing at the memories and sighing at the years that have gone by, I threw everything away. I’m left feeling a little relieved now that I don’t have to drag boxes of memories everywhere with me, but I also find that I’m a little sad to see it all go. I love memories. They’re like treasures to me.

But, as I take the garbage bags of papers and cards out to the trash, and throw my Mexico purse, Youth For Christ duffle bag and Hard Rock Cafe Sacramento glass in the goodwill pile I realize that the memories attached to all those things are still with me. Not to mention, the people that are attached to those memories are still here as well. The loss of those items doesn’t negate the love I have for the memories and, more importantly, the people attached to them. Here’s to many more years of memories and hopefully less scraps to go through later.

Saturday Morning Thoughts

I’m a verbal processor, but sometimes I can’t verbalize with anyone. So, I write it out. This is one of those times.

– I need to get in the shower.

– I told Wendy last night that I’ve been up here in Oregon for so long that I almost forget that I had a life in California. Note: That does NOT mean that I forgot all the people there, just the day to day life.

– Having Wendy up here is WAY cooler than I already thought it would be. I finally have someone that I can talk about BOTH worlds with. Also, I find that sometimes when I look at her it’s like looking at a glimpse of home. When I have those moments I find that I give her just a little extra of  a hug.

– I don’t know how to interact with guys on their terms. I usually just interact with them like I do with girls. Sometimes that works. And then sometimes they tell me that it doesn’t work and I get a confused face staring back at me after I say or so something. I’m learning… Toni’s good at interacting with guys and she is also good at telling me about things I shouldn’t say and do. She’s helping me finally get a filter.

– I like learning about social things like the affor mentioned item.

– I used to wake up on Saturday mornings to watch cartoons. I mean, until I left for college. I also used to feel that this would be something that I really wanted to do with my husband. There aren’t any good cartoons on anymore though, and I don’t really like TV either…so that’s out the window. I think that now on Saturdays I like to wake up, drink a warm beverage, make a cool breakfast and chat. I’d like to do that with him someday.

– I want to get married and I want to marry a Pastor. There, I said it. Since girls don’t really have control of their future husband’s career it feels dumb to say that, but it’s true so there. I just want to be involved in ministry now and forever, and I’d prefer to not get paid to do so. That’s where the husband as a Pastor comes in. If you really want me to go into how that all works I can explain it to you later…

– Toni should wake up and talk to me so that I don’t write a novel on here…

– I pick up people’s manerisms. It’s so true that it actually came out on a career test I took. It said that I impersonate. So true! I like it cause then when I do certain things it reminds me of the people I love!

– My lap-top has been dead since before Christmas. It’s an internal problem but I just don’t have the funds to take it into the Mac store and have them look at it. Since it “died” I’ve learned that I don’t need it as much as I used to think. I also learned that I was addicted to it. Now I use Toni and Amanda’s to do stuff like this. However, I really miss uploading photos. I find that I don’t take as many photos anymore since I don’t have a computer to store them on. That makes me sad.

– I put people in little mental bags: A) Best Friends, B) Dear To My Heart, C) Friends, and D) Other. Don’t ask which bag you’re in, although if you’re reading this your probably in one of the first three. But seriously. Don’t ask. I’ll offer the information if I feel like it will be beneficial. Also, if you are in A or C you are also sometimes in B, but it takes something special to get you into A: An application and an interview. Ok, not really but I don’t know what it takes. Probably a lot of love, time, shared interests and experiences, etc. Either way, no matter the category (A, B, C, and even D) I love you and that’s all you need to know.

– I have boundaries…and I love it.

– My coffee is cold and I have to pee. That means that this blog is officially done.

Letting Go

I hold onto people with an Iron grip. Maybe it’s because I moved a lot as a kid, maybe it’s because I have an unhealthy attachment to them, or maybe it’s simply because I love them. Either way, I have a hard time letting them go. Perhaps you’re one of them. I may not talk to you all the time, but you’re in my heart and there you will stay. Thanks to the joys of modern science, I have access to you so that when I’m thinking of you, or when I have a question for you, or when I just want to ‘watch you from a distance by stalking you on Facebook’ {creepy…} I have that freedom. Perhaps it does give a false sense of you being around, but either way, you are there.

A friend told me recently that since he’s moving soonish, he’s going to faze himself out of things. That’s about all I could get out of him as far as an explanation goes because I don’t know if he even knows what that looks like, but I freaked out. At first it displayed itself in a lot of yelling. That’s right. I yell. Then I began saying that this was stupid. I know, real mature. I would rant around my house about how ‘dumb’ the situation was, and then I got really insecure. Luckily, I have a very smart roommate. Toni called me out on my ranting and insecurity and asked me what the real problem was. I looked at her blankly – a little confused. She quoted one of our favorite profs, “Anger is a secondary emotion,” she said, “or so I’ve heard…”

She was right. I wasn’t angry. Ha, for the first time in my life I was avoiding the one thing I usually embrace. I let what she said sink in, and then I started to cry. I needed to face the fact that another close friend of mine was going to move, that life was going to change again and that another one of those people that I love is just going to become another photo on Facebook that I stalk here and there and wish that I could just hang out with one more time.

Even though he was just joking about it the other day, my friend eluded to Heaven and spending an eternity together. I don’t think he realizes how close to my heart that dream is and that, in this life, it’s the only real comfort I have when I’m faced with letting go.

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